We went to meet with the specialist last week. The doctor went over all of my charts and tests. I have to wait until I get my next period to try Clomid. On day 3 I will need to start it along with get more blood work tests done. They are also going to check my FSH level. On day 10 I have to go back in to have my FSH level tested again. It might be the case that it is too high, if so, I would be looking at having to go through IVF. They have taken this test before and it was high levels, but it wasn’t really tested on the right days so that is why it has to be done over.
I was also told that on my fallopian tube there is some scarring. Which this is not good either (considering I only have one). If the scarring is bad, then again I would need to have IVF treatment. I was never told that there was scarring before. Great. Now maybe I’ll catch a break here and the clomid will lower my levels so that I can stay on it and then hopefully…boom… we’ll be pregnant. But that’s me wishing. We went over prices for IVF. Holy crap it is super expensive. This clinic charges $1200. And thanks to our insurance nothing is covered.
I left the office feeling all sorts of emotions. As soon as we got back into the car, I started to cry. Just once I wanted things to go smooth. Just once I wanted to be told some uplifting news. I was really hoping for “here’s some medication.” It seems like a bunch of people I’ve talked to that was their solution. So as my husband is driving us home, tears are just rolling down my cheeks. I just felt hopeless and lost. And most of all frustrated. After the sadness passed then I started to get angry. I started resenting those people in the world that take advantage of having children. Those parents that really could care less what their child is doing. Those women that have gotten abortions just because they didn’t want to deal with a baby or they weren’t ready. Those parents that beat their children or that beat their spouse. The couples that have affairs. I resented these people because what makes them allowed to have child and not us? I’m not saying I’m any better than them, but I’m not doing the bad things that they are. I also don’t mean to offend anyone saying that they shouldn’t be allowed to have children. I know it sounds mean. But I think that the couples that are struggling to have kids know what I’m talking about. Now to a person that already has children, well they may not understand where I’m coming from.
I left the office feeling all sorts of emotions. As soon as we got back into the car, I started to cry. Just once I wanted things to go smooth. Just once I wanted to be told some uplifting news. I was really hoping for “here’s some medication.” It seems like a bunch of people I’ve talked to that was their solution. So as my husband is driving us home, tears are just rolling down my cheeks. I just felt hopeless and lost. And most of all frustrated. After the sadness passed then I started to get angry. I started resenting those people in the world that take advantage of having children. Those parents that really could care less what their child is doing. Those women that have gotten abortions just because they didn’t want to deal with a baby or they weren’t ready. Those parents that beat their children or that beat their spouse. The couples that have affairs. I resented these people because what makes them allowed to have child and not us? I’m not saying I’m any better than them, but I’m not doing the bad things that they are. I also don’t mean to offend anyone saying that they shouldn’t be allowed to have children. I know it sounds mean. But I think that the couples that are struggling to have kids know what I’m talking about. Now to a person that already has children, well they may not understand where I’m coming from.
And on top of that was the money it would cost if we would have to go through IVF. I have no clue where to come up with that money so quick. Talk about stress. I don’t know how some women can do this month after month. I understand that need for a child. If I could I would spend every dime we have to have a chance at a family. I’m just afraid we won’t be able to afford it. Damn I hate money. And that’s what kills me too. The thought of money might be the thing standing in the way. Fine we might be able to come up with money for the first try, but I don’t know what will happen if that doesn’t work. This would be the time to win the lottery!
And while I’m at it….“Remember to Pray” “you need to have faith” or “pray for a miracle” all saying I could go the rest of my life never wanting to hear. I know that people have the best intentions and may not know what to say. Don’t say these. I don’t need to be told to keep praying- thank you I do it every day, probably more than the normal “church go-er.” I strongly believe in prayer, but sometimes I also get mad at prayers. I get mad because I don’t understand what “our plan” is suppose to be. I don’t understand why we are having problems having a baby. Then I take a deep breath and try to relax. So really I don’t need people telling me to have faith. I’m there. I have it. I believe in it. Again, unless you have walked or are walking in my shoes, it may be hard to understand. Now if someone says “I’ll keep you in my prayers,” awesome, thank you. That does not bother me. In fact, I like it and appreciate it. This way you are also not telling ME what to do. I’m already being told enough by the doctors. This to me shows that you are willing to do something for me, a selfless act. But I am very grateful for those friends that ask me if they are saying the wrong words. It means a lot. It shows me that you are listening to me and care about my feelings.
So I guess now my next step is just to wait for mother nature to hit me up for the month….or the next best thing….find out nature took its course and we just so happen to have gotten pregnant all on our own.
