Meeting The Specialist

We went to meet with the specialist last week.  The doctor went over all of my charts and tests. I have to wait until I get my next period to try Clomid. On day 3 I will need to start it along with get more blood work tests done. They are also going to check my FSH level. On day 10 I have to go back in to have my FSH level tested again. It might be the case that it is too high, if so, I would be looking at having to go through IVF. They have taken this test before and it was high levels, but it wasn’t really tested on the right days so that is why it has to be done over.

I was also told that on my fallopian tube there is some scarring. Which this is not good either (considering I only have one). If the scarring is bad, then again I would need to have IVF treatment. I was never told that there was scarring before. Great. Now maybe I’ll catch a break here and the clomid will lower my levels so that I can stay on it and then hopefully…boom… we’ll be pregnant. But that’s me wishing. We went over prices for IVF. Holy crap it is super expensive. This clinic charges $1200. And thanks to our insurance nothing is covered.

            I left the office feeling all sorts of emotions. As soon as we got back into the car, I started to cry. Just once I wanted things to go smooth. Just once I wanted to be told some uplifting news. I was really hoping for “here’s some medication.” It seems like a bunch of people I’ve talked to that was their solution. So as my husband is driving us home, tears are just rolling down my cheeks. I just felt hopeless and lost. And most of all frustrated. After the sadness passed then I started to get angry. I started resenting those people in the world that take advantage of having children. Those parents that really could care less what their child is doing. Those women that have gotten abortions just because they didn’t want to deal with a baby or they weren’t ready. Those parents that beat their children or that beat their spouse. The couples that have affairs. I resented these people because what makes them allowed to have child and not us? I’m not saying I’m any better than them, but I’m not doing the bad things that they are. I also don’t mean to offend anyone saying that they shouldn’t be allowed to have children. I know it sounds mean. But I think that the couples that are struggling to have kids know what I’m talking about. Now to a person that already has children, well they may not understand where I’m coming from.

And on top of that was the money it would cost if we would have to go through IVF. I have no clue where to come up with that money so quick. Talk about stress. I don’t know how some women can do this month after month. I understand that need for a child. If I could I would spend every dime we have to have a chance at a family. I’m just afraid we won’t be able to afford it. Damn I hate money. And that’s what kills me too. The thought of money might be the thing standing in the way. Fine we might be able to come up with money for the first try, but I don’t know what will happen if that doesn’t work. This would be the time to win the lottery!

And while I’m at it….“Remember to Pray” “you need to have faith” or “pray for a miracle” all saying I could go the rest of my life never wanting to hear. I know that people have the best intentions and may not know what to say. Don’t say these. I don’t need to be told to keep praying- thank you I do it every day, probably more than the normal “church go-er.” I strongly believe in prayer, but sometimes I also get mad at prayers. I get mad because I don’t understand what “our plan” is suppose to be. I don’t understand why we are having problems having a baby.  Then I take a deep breath and try to relax. So really I don’t need people telling me to have faith. I’m there. I have it. I believe in it. Again, unless you have walked or are walking in my shoes, it may be hard to understand. Now if someone says “I’ll keep you in my prayers,” awesome, thank you. That does not bother me. In fact, I like it and appreciate it. This way you are also not telling ME what to do. I’m already being told enough by the doctors. This to me shows that you are willing to do something for me, a selfless act. But I am very grateful for those friends that ask me if they are saying the wrong words. It means a lot. It shows me that you are listening to me and care about my feelings.

So I guess now my next step is just to wait for mother nature to hit me up for the month….or the next best thing….find out nature took its course and we just so happen to have gotten pregnant all on our own.

Where is this water?

 Is there something in the water? A common question I’ve been hearing all my pregnant friends/family ask each other. And then today I read an article about how the celebrities are asking the same thing, is there something in the water? Well I have a question. Where the heck can I get some of this water?

I did have something very sweet happen the other day. One of my closest friends said she had been doing research on how to talk to someone who is going through what I am, problems conceiving. She said she was worried that she would say the wrong thing. She said that if she ever said anything that hurt my feelings or upset me to let me know. Now, I’ve wanted to have a child for a few years now and in that time not one person has ever said that to me. Not one person has ever said they have been looking up ways to help me cope. This was probably the sweetest thing I’ve heard in a long time. I don’t ask for attention or for anyone’s pity, but someone wanting to help me and make me feel comfortable, well let’s just say my heart was touched.

Trying to Catch a Break

So today I received a call from my doctor. I was told I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). I might also be borderline diabetic. Really? I feel like as soon as I take two steps forward, I’m taking five steps back. So I’m doing my research on PCOS and man it is kinda overwhelming. At the same time, it explains a lot. So now I have to wait for the specialist to call me to schedule an appointment.  I heard once that you should say “your glass is a little more than half full” to stay positive (rather than saying just half full), but keeping that mind frame just seems to get harder and harder. As soon as something goes well…bam…it seems like I get smacked in the face.  And of course around the holidays is when people like to announce they are expecting. I’m happy for them, but of course it’s hard. I would never want a friend or family member to think I’m not happy for them, but sometimes it is so darn frustrating that I’m having these problems while others are having no problem at all. Sometimes I feel like I’m being selfish for feeling this way. And then I think how unless you’re in my shoes (which there are plenty of people out there that are) you can’t understand how I feel.

On the upside, I’ve lost over 30 pounds so far (starting about 2 ½ months ago).  And have more to go, but it’s a great start just by eating right.

Seeing Red

Well yesterday was a great Thanksgiving with the family. Afterwards Nic and I came home and just relaxed. So how could that have been ruined? Ahh, by going to the bathroom and seeing the start of my period.  It was like being punched in the stomach. I just sat there and one tear rolled down my cheek and then another. It’s just that feeling of hope lost. But I pulled myself together and came back into the living room. I told Nic, that this wasn’t our month. We both were just hanging on to that miracle of hope.

So from there I was just playing around on facebook. I suddenly became very emotional reading how people wrote they were “thankful for their children,” “would be lost without their child,” “couldn’t image life without their child,” “having a baby,” or “parenthood is something to be thankful for.” All I kept thinking was PISS OFF.  I know it’s very selfish of me to think that way, but that’s how I felt. I didn’t want to hear/read about other people’s happiness. Granted if I was in their shoes, I’d be writing the same thing they were. But I wasn’t in that boat. Maybe it’s just the holidays that make it a little tougher to be going through this. I know otherwise it never bothers me when people write stuff about their kids. So there I was, feeling even worse so I figured it was time to just go to bed. It was that or grab a bottle of wine. Bed was the better choice.

So Nic had to start work at midnight. (He works from our home) Laying there, I sent him a text saying that I was just sad about my period and that reading how thankful people were about being parents was making me more sad and mad. He responded by saying he figured and that once we have a child, we’ll be more thankful than most due to our struggle. I knew he was trying to make me feel better which was sweet, but it didn’t help me feel any better. So I continued to just lay there with tears rolling down my cheeks and I wasn’t able to stop it. Next thing I know, I was asleep. So I woke up this morning and pulled myself together. And now it’s back to “maybe this month will be my miracle.” I believe we are meeting with the doctor this week so from there, we will decide what are next step will be. (We are still waiting for all my final blood work to come back)  

Infertilty Etiquette

I found this online and thought it was perfect to share.

By Vita AlligoodChances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn’t coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy’s nose and daddy’s eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user’s moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures (10's of thousands of dollars), depending upon the treatment used.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don’t know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don’t Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she “relaxed.” Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of “relaxing” are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as “infertile” until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren’t infertile but just need to “relax.” Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as “just relax” or “try going on a cruise” create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, “If you just relaxed on a cruise . . .” Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don’t Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone’s life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, “Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.,” do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn’t tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father’s Day or Mother’s Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn’t even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don’t Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don’t tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the “worst” thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the “worst” thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the “worst” thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the “worst” thing that could happen.

People wouldn’t dream of telling someone whose parent just died, “It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead.” Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don’t tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don’t Say They Aren’t Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, “Maybe God doesn’t intend for you to be a mother.” How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don’t you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn’t he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren’t religious, the “maybe it’s not meant to be” comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don’t Ask Why They Aren’t Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man’s sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, “Why don’t you just try IVF?” in the same casual tone they would use to ask, “Why don’t you try shopping at another store?”

There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.IVF is Expensive with Low OddsOne cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the “sure thing” rather then risking their money on much lower odds.

IVF is Physically Taxing
Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.IVF Raises Ethical IssuesIronically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.Don’t Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVFOn the flip side of the coin, don’t offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.

If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don’t muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don’t yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can’t offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.

A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.

Don’t Play Doctor
Once your infertile friends are under a doctor’s care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren’t able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:
Blocked fallopian tubes
Cysts
PCOS
Endometriosis
Low hormone levels
Low “normal form” sperm count
Low progesterone level
Low sperm count
Low sperm motility
Thin uterine walls

Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an “expert” on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.

You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to “play doctor” with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.

Don’t Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don’t make crude jokes about your friend’s vulnerable position. Crude comments like “I’ll donate the sperm” or “Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination” are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don’t Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don’t put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, “I’d gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby.” When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, “I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes.”

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends’ new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend’s emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can’t bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn’t rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don’t Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don’t follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn’t ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let’s face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to “dream” about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don’t Gossip About Your Friend’s Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband’s sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend’s privacy, and don’t share any information that your friend hasn’t authorized.

Don’t Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a “stranger’s baby,” they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy’s eyes and Mommy’s nose.

Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, “Why do you want to adopt a baby?” Instead, the question was, “Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?” Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn’t her “own,” then adoption isn’t the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, “Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.”) However, “pushing” the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say “I am giving you this baby,” there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn’t your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren’t going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother’s Day

With all of the activity on Mother’s Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother’s Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother’s Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother’s Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven’t “forgotten” them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy’s nose and daddy’s eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don’t encourage them to try again, and don’t discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don’t try to open that chapter again

Time to Relax

So I talked to the doctor yesterday. I’m going in for a few more lab tests next Friday. From there we’re all gonna sit down and discuss our next step. So in the mean time its wait wait wait. I’ve also been doing so much reading. I think I read so much that it’s just starting to become overwhelming. So I’m going to take a break from it all for a while and not stress. I need to tell myself over and over to relax. Stressing is just going to make things worse.  I’m going to focus on my weight loss and really drop those pounds.

More research

So the doctor has recommended that we might what to consider IVF to help us out. I’ve been doing so much reading on it that I think my brain cells are on over load. The cost alone is freaking me out. We found out today that our insurance does not cover it. CRAP! I’m really praying that we are able to avoid all of this and have a child naturally. Wouldn’t that just be great?! I’m still going off the hope that since I had the HSG done and it may have “cleared anything in the way” and that it may help us get pregnant. Even with a lower sperm count. One can always hope and pray right? I should be ovulating this weekend (hopefully since I have a messed up cycle), so we will see how that all goes.

Another thing I've started to look into is IUI. I think that would be our first option to try before IVF. Its a heck of a lot cheaper!

 On a plus note I’ve lost 20 pounds so far (since Oct. 8). We’re both calorie counting and trying to eat healthy. It’s amazing how great we feel just by eating right. I actually look forward to stepping on the scale every morning now.  Granted I can’t really see where this weight is coming off of, but that’s ok hopefully soon I will notice.