Seeing Red

Well yesterday was a great Thanksgiving with the family. Afterwards Nic and I came home and just relaxed. So how could that have been ruined? Ahh, by going to the bathroom and seeing the start of my period.  It was like being punched in the stomach. I just sat there and one tear rolled down my cheek and then another. It’s just that feeling of hope lost. But I pulled myself together and came back into the living room. I told Nic, that this wasn’t our month. We both were just hanging on to that miracle of hope.

So from there I was just playing around on facebook. I suddenly became very emotional reading how people wrote they were “thankful for their children,” “would be lost without their child,” “couldn’t image life without their child,” “having a baby,” or “parenthood is something to be thankful for.” All I kept thinking was PISS OFF.  I know it’s very selfish of me to think that way, but that’s how I felt. I didn’t want to hear/read about other people’s happiness. Granted if I was in their shoes, I’d be writing the same thing they were. But I wasn’t in that boat. Maybe it’s just the holidays that make it a little tougher to be going through this. I know otherwise it never bothers me when people write stuff about their kids. So there I was, feeling even worse so I figured it was time to just go to bed. It was that or grab a bottle of wine. Bed was the better choice.

So Nic had to start work at midnight. (He works from our home) Laying there, I sent him a text saying that I was just sad about my period and that reading how thankful people were about being parents was making me more sad and mad. He responded by saying he figured and that once we have a child, we’ll be more thankful than most due to our struggle. I knew he was trying to make me feel better which was sweet, but it didn’t help me feel any better. So I continued to just lay there with tears rolling down my cheeks and I wasn’t able to stop it. Next thing I know, I was asleep. So I woke up this morning and pulled myself together. And now it’s back to “maybe this month will be my miracle.” I believe we are meeting with the doctor this week so from there, we will decide what are next step will be. (We are still waiting for all my final blood work to come back)