Every girl dreams of some day becoming a mother. Dressing her little boy in all blue. Playing dress up with her daughter. For some women this dream is hard to become a reality while others have no problem. For those that have problems, can understand the struggle some women have. Every month peeing on a stick only to see one line or a negative sign. Having that feeling of let down like someone just punched you in the stomach. Having to tell yourself “hopefully next month.”
My adventure began a couple years ago. Nic, and I had tried to have a child. At first it wasn’t your typical serious attempts. We didn’t use birth control hoping that if it happened, it happened. There were a few times when my period would be late so I would take a pregnancy test. The tests always turned out negative. Each time it was that same old feeling. The feeling of disappointment.
Nic and I both felt we were ready to start a family. Both of us wanting a child in the worst way. Then the waterfall effect started to take place. The more we wanted a child; someone around us would become pregnant. I actually started to joke around that if you were friends with me, you’d become pregnant. But inside, I wasn’t laughing. I spent many nights crying. Of course I was happy for my friends, but it was also something that I wanted to experience. The hardest pregnancies were when people would get pregnant by accident. It was hard to sit there and listen to “oh we got drunk and it happened, or we forgot to use something.” I was still very genuinely happy for them, but it was a frustrating feeling. Again, usually ending with me in tears and my husband trying to comfort me.
Then around the end of October in 2007, I had the worst scare of my life. I had gone into the hospital thinking I was having kidney stones. After several test and scans, I was told that I had a tumor on my ovary and needed surgery that week. That week was my hell week. The doctor was not able to determine if the tumor was cancerous or not. He stated that he would not be able to tell until they examined the tumor. I was then informed that the tumor was so big that they would need to make an incision above my belly button all the way down to the pelvic bone. It was about a six inch incision. At this time I was panicking. All the information was like a complete overload. I was informed that if the tumor was cancerous, both of my ovaries would need to be removed. If it was a benign tumor only one ovary would need to be removed.
That week I prayed and prayed that it was not cancer. I wasn’t afraid of cancer. That I felt I could handle. What I felt I could not handle was not being able to have children. I had everyone I know saying prayers for me. I don’t think I have every cried that much before. I also felt the need to have pity parties for myself and get drunk. I thought getting drunk would help me forget about what I would be facing later in the week. Of course it didn’t and instead just made me more emotional.
Nic and I had an agreement with the doctor that he would be the one to tell me if I would be able to have children or not when I awoke from the surgery. When I awoke, my husband informed me that only one ovary was removed and we could still have children. The tumor ended up being the size of a volleyball and around eight pounds. I later named it the Bastard. My prayers were answered. I kept telling myself that someday we’re going to have a child because I didn’t believe God was a cruel man. If he didn’t want us to have children, he would’ve had my tumor be cancerous.
Once the surgery was passed, I had a new outlook when people became pregnant. I no longer was upset when they told me. I kept telling myself, when the time is right, it will happen. I stopped stressing about getting pregnant. I still continued to take ovulation tests, but it wasn’t religiously. My body took a long time to get back to normal. Some months periods would be 30 days while other months it would be 45 days.
Time went by and pregnancy test results were still negative. My husband and I decided to get back into the groove of taking ovulation tests and trying. This time around pregnancy seemed to be aware. Non-stop commercial, movies, TV shows. Everything was baby this and baby that. I learned to keep myself balanced, reminding myself that when the time is right, it will happen.
About 3 weeks ago we decided that it was time to get the doctors involved and start getting tested. It started with me going to the OB/GYN. I went for my annual check-up and started talking about fertility. I was told that I need to lose weight. I am an overweight woman and that can have a huge effect. At this time I was going on 50 days without my period. The doctor said the first steps for me was to wait until I got my period and then I would have to come in for an X-ray to see if my fallopian tube was open and if there were an eggs. So this past Sunday I finally got my period. In the mean time Nic had to provide a sperm sample to the hospital. We are waiting to hear those results.
Today I went in for my x-ray. Mind you I thought this was just going to be your normal x-ray. Boy was I ever wrong. I was getting an HSG. I went into the room and was told that they would basically be setting up the room as it would be for me going in for a PAP. They needed to put a catheter in me as well. I was very nervous at this time. So the doctor comes in (him and his nurse are the most amazing people!) and started the procedure. Talk about pain! This was worse than any type of cramps I’ve ever had. Once the catheter was in place, they needed to add dye to see my insides. This “dye” was so horribly painful. I was literally crying on the table squeezing the nurses had and swearing. I was so ready to just tell them to stop, but I kept saying to myself that the pain was going to be worth it.
Finally the procedure was done. I was shaking uncontrollably. There was blood everywhere and I thought I was going to faint. The nurse asked me if I was ok. I said I just wanted to go into the bathroom and put water on my face. Really I just wanted to be alone and cry. So I gathered myself together and met Nic in the waiting room. Remind you, he thought I was just getting a regular x-ray too so he was kind of confused when I came out and had tears in my eyes. We went home and I spent the rest of the afternoon in bed dealing with all this pain. Then tonight after talking with Nic I decided to write this blog about our journey. This blog will include everything we are going through and even our weight loss and meeting those goals that we set.
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